Protective Identification and Removing the Mask
A Psychological and Spiritual Discourse on Breaking Free from the Needs of Others
In a world increasingly performative and fractured by invisible demands many of us wear masks we did not choose. These are not mere social roles but complex psychological projections – expectations placed upon us by others who fear facing the void of their own unmet needs. In psychoanalytic terms this process is known as projective identification: the unconscious act of projecting one’s inner anxieties, fears or desires onto another person and then interacting with them as if those projections were real.
What begins as subtle pressure, to be the ‘strong one,’ ‘the rescuer,’ ‘the obedient child,’ or ‘the ever-available partner’ – soon becomes a full-scale occupation of our identities. We begin to betray our essence to serve someone else’s script. But to live this way is to abandon the sacred duty to our own soul.
‘’It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.’’ – Jiddu Krishnamurti
The Mechanism of Projective Identification
Projective identification is not just psychological jargon, it is spiritual theft in disguise. When someone projects onto us what they cannot tolerate in themselves, be it helplessness, failure, desire or dependency, they expect us to carry it for them, to be a container of their disavowed experience. If we resist, we are accused of betrayal. If we comply, we disappear.
These projections often originate in the primal wounds of childhood and are reinforced by cultural myths about family, loyalty, duty and success. Families, in particular, are potent arenas for this dynamic. Parents who could not live freely may demand success from their children as a form of proxy living. Siblings may project their feelings of unworthiness or rage, treating you as either their saviour or scapegoat. And partners, wounded and afraid, may vault us into a fantasy figure to quiet their own existential panic.
“Hell is other people,” said Jean-Paul Sartre – not to denounce humanity but to reflect on how others’ perceptions can imprison us in a false self.
The Performance of Self-Abandonment
We may begin to equate love with servitude. We perform. We strive. We smile when we wish to scream. This is not compassion – it is self-abandonment dressed in empathy. Over time, this compromises the very structure of the self, leading to depression, anxiety or a haunting numbness that no external validation can soothe.
Philosopher Soren Kierkegaard warned of despair as the sickness unto death, a condition where one is separated from one’s true self. When we deny our authentic needs and become a mirror for others, we create a false self. The longer we live as this shadow figure, the further we stay from the soul’s purpose.
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else, is one of the greatest accomplishments.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Validation becomes a drug. Yet it offers no nourishment. It cannot replace genuine self recognition. We perform for applause, for inclusion, for temporary peace but none of this quenched the soul’s deeper thirst for integrity.
